The Trapper Strikes Back, Valentine's Style

eton: this article will appear in the February 13th Edition of Student News Monolith The Breeze. This marks the second appearance by Jake "The Trapper" Shoemaker in L.o.W.C.o.N and the first for the fictional place "lametown."

Holla at me, Brosifs and Betties. This is Jake “The Trapper” Shoemaker again, with some words of wisdom for Valentine’s Day. Many of you, especially those haters out there, would assume that the Trap-man isn’t a fan of the V-Day, with all its affection and commitment to one lady or whatever. No way man. While the Trapper think it’s proper for a man to keep a cap on how much affection he shows to one particular girl, Valentine’s Day is a perfect opportunity to give a little something (or in my case, a pretty big something. Who are we kidding? You haven’t seen anything this big) to all the fillies in your stable, a thank you present to the many, many women in your life. Using my sizable experience and unfathomable intellect, I’ve compiled some helpful gift suggestions to enhance the Valentine’s Day experience for all you seduction artists out there.
Above all else, your choice of Valentine’s Day gift must send the proper message to your particular holiday honey, as the correct gift is most crucial to securing your very own Close Encounter of the Intimate Kind (by the way, I start every day by looking at myself in the mirror naked and saying “This means something. This is important.”). Never buy chocolate or flowers, because these gifts tell the girl that you want some exclusive relationship with her, and that would force you to give up your entire lineup of beautiful ladies. On the practical tip, giving a girl a bottle of Bacardi O, while extremely money, will remind her that you only find her attractive when alcohol is involved, something that might kill the chances of a future rendezvous. The perfect V-day gift, of course, is a box of contraceptives, as this gift is both thoughtful and practical for the lady. Believe me fellas; nothing says “You’re my girl and you know what’s up” like a big box of contraceptives. Top this excellent gift off with wrapping paper and a bow, and your girl will melt into your arms.
If you don’t got the money to buy a box of contraceptives (and if you don’t, you’re the lamest lame-o in lametown), then the Trapper recommends playing up the romantic angle by making the lady some dinner, turning the lights down low, and starting up a movie on your high quality entertainment system. Although many movies will do the trick, the Trap-man recommends “Love Actually” as the perfect movie to take your private party to the next level. For the lady, the movie will excite her innermost romantic feelings and make her want to move in your direction. For the man, the movie definitely has some high quality nude scenes, a little something to keep your attention until the moment arrives. When the time is right, whisper to your honey that you’d like to make a movie of your own, and it will be on like Donkey Kong.
You may be wondering to yourself, “What is the Trapper getting for his holiday honey?” Well, right now, my game is at such an unbelievablely high level that I would feel bereft (you know you like that word. You think the Trapper is just the pinnacle of physical perfection, but I got mad smarts too) if I didn’t give my present to all the ladies. This Valentine’s Day, I’m installing a bell outside my bedroom with a sign reading “Ring this Bell if you have been completely satisfied.” That way, when each lucky lady finishes her ride on the Loch Ness Monster, she finally has a worthwhile way to thank me for blowing her mind. I figure it’s the least I can do to make sure all the beautiful ladies have a proper way of expressing their gratitude to the Trap-man. The bell, bling’d out with 24K gold and ultra rare diamonds, is currently on rush order from a Buddhist Monastery in Thailand, and if it doesn’t make it here by Valentine’s Day, I’ve got a little backup present for my fillies that will stay with them for six months or three months with antibiotics. Yeah, that’s right, even my infections are in demand by the ladies.
Whether you’re a seduction Jedi or new up-and-comer, I wish you the best of luck on this Valentine’s Day, and I hope that all your physical and intellectual preparations lead to an awe-inspiring night for the lady of the choosing. Remember, this is the real thing. This is what you have trained for. You are the Y-Chromosome’s best. Make us proud. [Click Here to Read More]

Diamonds are Forever

Note: This piece appears in the Thursday, February 9th edition of The Breeze. This piece is part one in my two part series devoted to Valentine's Day.

As Valentine’s Day nears and young hearts turn to fancy, some of you may be contemplating a future engagement to your sweet baboon and dreaming of the day when you give/receive a diamond ring to/from the person of your dreams. Those young hearts may turn from fancy to horror, however, if they discovered that money from the diamond trade funds genocide, oppression and civil war around the world, exemplified by the atrocities in Sierra Leone (thanks to Kanye West, many of you now know that Sierra Leone is a country). In Sierra Leone’s civil war, so-called conflict diamonds helped fund the RUF (Revolutionary United Front), an organization that reigned terror throughout the region, including violently amputating the hands and arms of men, women, and children as a show of force.
Beyond the obvious moral consequences of purchasing diamond engagement rings, the diamond ring itself sends the wrong message when given as an engagement present. The engagement gift should be an investment on both a couple’s marriage and their future lives together, not just a present for the bride-to-be to show off to her friends and thereby push up their minimum ring expectations. An engagement present should be something both parties can use and enjoy for years to come, something to share with family and friends alike. Something like a pool table.
The benefits of giving your future wife a pool table over a diamond engagement ring are so numerous that if I assigned one benefit to each citizen of the People’s Republic of China, I would have enough left over to cover the populations of Luxembourg, French Guinea, and Cambodia combined. For the purposes of educating you, however, I must stick to the most important. First, while the bloodshed financed by diamonds continues almost unfettered in some parts of the world, pool tables have a resoundingly positive human rights record. In fact, I cannot discover a single instance where a child had its arm chopped off by Pool Table Merchants.
On a more practical level, a pool table cannot be lost or misplaced when the wearer takes it off to shower, wash dishes or go clubbing, as the size of the wooden frame plus the weight of the slate slab are quite difficult to move. Note well that had Marilyn Lovell not lost her wedding ring in the shower, husband Jim Lovell would most definitely have landed on the moon instead of barely surviving the near-death ordeal of Apollo 13. Ladies, let that be a lesson to you: If your husband is going into space, do not shower while he is beyond our atmosphere. It’s just common sense.
Most importantly, a pool table provides a lifeboat should the sailboat of the engagement encounter the tempest of I’m-just-not-ready-for-this-I-need-some-time-to-clear-my-head-I’m-moving-to-Laos-Don’t-call. Unlike an engagement ring, the groom will most certainly not return to the Pool Table store and say “I have to return it. She says she doesn’t love me anymore,” should the bride back out of the nuptials. On the contrary, if your fiancé runs from the Church-Hall like it’s a plague-infected medieval village, you still have a pool table! Huzzah!
As Captain Jack Ross would say, “These are the facts of the case, and they are undisputed.” Diamonds are so entrenched as a sign of love and fidelity in our culture, however, that the startling information presented here may not cause some of you to think twice about purchasing diamonds. For example, I was having a conversation with a female friend (although the noun “conversation” is used loosely, as she was performing an improvised and uninterruptible dramatic monologue while I served as the nodding yet unwilling audience member), and she informed me that she would demand a diamond ring from her male suitor, with a successful engagement dependent upon the correct size and cut of the diamond. She stopped to breath, and seeing an opportunity to enter the conversation, I described the crimes of the diamond industry and told a harrowing tale of thugs hacking off the arms of small children. My friend, ever the bleeding heart humanitarian, retorted, “I don’t care, they still have another arm. I just want my diamond.” This Valentine’s Day, take her breath away with a gift that doesn’t take a hand away: Choose the Pool Table.

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A Message From the Eskimos

Note: This piece will appear in the 2006 Groundhog Day edition of The Breeze. For more information on Groundhog Day, check out this page.

We are the Eskimos and we are not happy. We have chosen to come forth from our Artic homeland to end the baseless and boorish assault on our culture initiated by the peoples of warmer climates, especially you in America. Your media outlets and clothing stores have made us the subject of ridicule and mockery, and we will no longer stand by and allow our dress, our culture and our women to be fodder for your sophomoric entertainment. The Eskimos are a fair and just people, and we will enumerate your trespasses so that you can understand the nature of our grievances and have an opportunity to make amends.
Your American women mock our culture by gallivanting about in our traditional fur-lined boots and large parkas. In the frozen tundra of our home, we wear these clothes not for fashion but for the prevention of hypothermia in temperatures that can descend well below negative 30. Do you know what happens to your feet at negative 30 if you are not wearing the proper footwear? Your toes freeze right off. It is very painful, but of course, you would not know that. Your women are too busy cavorting around your villages wearing our boots and calling them “super cute.” There is no word in Inuit for “super cute,” for we are too busy surviving the harsh climate to invent such a trivial word.
Unlike you, we would never dishonor the great sacrifice of the furry animals by dressing ourselves in fur-lined boots and a short skirt, as even the most reckless of our Eskimo women cannot fathom such levels of disrespect to our animal friends. Also, if you could, please enlighten us to the identity of this “Ugg” fellow, for we in the Eskimo community know no such person as “Ugg.” We resent your characterization of all Eskimos as knuckle dragging Neanderthals, as we are an educated and enlightened people, cultured in the realms of literature and art. We especially enjoy the works of famed American author Jack London, as few others have captured the unbridled wonder and awesome fury of our homeland as he has.
Your attempts to shame our culture do not stop at our clothing, for if they did, our generally cheery attitude and patience for outsiders would overwhelm any animosity we feel towards you. As much as your television and cartoon strips would like you to believe, we do not live in igloos, nor do we travel the vast tundra via dogsled. When the Eskimos hear these gross misconceptions, we cast them aside with a hearty laugh, for we know how ignorant you are to believe that we travel in anything less than fully loaded Chevy Suburbans. Oh yes, the technological wonder known as the “automobile” has reached us in the great white north, and we are very pleased with its capabilities.
Our people reach their breaking point when you ridicule their intimate abilities with your characterization of “Eskimo Kisses” as nothing more than Platonic nose rubbing. Do you think we cannot kiss our women with our mouths? Is this what you are taught in your public schools? By propagating these stereotypes, you are ridiculing the Eskimo man’s virility and pride, an offense we do not take lightly. If another man in the village were to do this, he would be challenged instantly to a traditional pole fight. Luckily, you are not in the village, so you are safe…but not for long.
If you continue dishonoring our people and our culture, then the wrath of the Eskimos will descend on you like a burning eagle of justice. Our vengeance will flow like the salmon of the great river, swift and unyielding, toppling all those who dare stand in our way and sending the rest fleeing in horror. You will cower in your centrally heated homes and beg for mercy, but your cries will fall on the unsympathetic ears of a race hardened by centuries of bitterly cold winters. Heed our warning, people of warm climates, and we may forgive you for your transgressions. If, however, you choose to continue your attacks on the Eskimos, we will be forced to end your villainy with extreme prejudice. The Eskimos have spoken. [Click Here to Read More]