Happy Valentine's Day Rehash -- The Trapper

In a salute to Valentine's Day, I'm digging into the archives and pulling out this gem of an article from my more collegiate (and dare I say collegial) days. This article appeared in the February 13th Edition of Student News Monolith The Breeze, and marked the second appearance by Jake "The Trapper" Shoemaker in my column, "Lover of Women, Conquerer of Nations." Enjoy.

Holla at me, Brosifs and Betties. This is Jake “The Trapper” Shoemaker again, with some words of wisdom for Valentine’s Day. Many of you, especially those haters out there, would assume that the Trap-man isn’t a fan of the V-Day, with all its affection and commitment to one lady or whatever.

No way man. While the Trapper think it’s proper for a man to keep a cap on how much affection he shows to one particular girl, Valentine’s Day is a perfect opportunity to give a little something (or in my case, a pretty big something. Who are we kidding? You haven’t seen anything this big) to all the fillies in your stable, a thank you present to the many, many women in your life.

Using my sizable experience and unfathomable intellect, I’ve compiled some helpful gift suggestions to enhance the Valentine’s Day experience for all you seduction artists out there.
Above all else, your choice of Valentine’s Day gift must send the proper message to your particular holiday honey, as the correct gift is most crucial to securing your very own Close Encounter of the Intimate Kind (by the way, I start every day by looking at myself in the mirror naked and saying “This means something. This is important.”).

Never buy chocolate or flowers, because these gifts tell the girl that you want some exclusive relationship with her, and that would force you to give up your entire lineup of beautiful ladies. On the practical tip, giving a girl a bottle of Bacardi O, while extremely money, will remind her that you only find her attractive when alcohol is involved, something that might kill the chances of a future rendezvous.

The perfect V-day gift, of course, is a box of contraceptives, as this gift is both thoughtful and practical for the lady. Believe me fellas; nothing says “You’re my girl and you know what’s up” like a big box of contraceptives. Top this excellent gift off with wrapping paper and a bow, and your girl will melt into your arms.

If you don’t got the money to buy a box of contraceptives (and if you don’t, you’re the lamest lame-o in Lametown), then the Trapper recommends playing up the romantic angle by making the lady some dinner, turning the lights down low, and starting up a movie on your high quality entertainment system. Although many movies will do the trick, the Trap-man recommends “Love Actually” as the perfect movie to take your private party to the next level.

For the lady, the movie will excite her innermost romantic feelings and make her want to move in your direction. For the man, the movie definitely has some high quality nude scenes, a little something to keep your attention until the moment arrives. When the time is right, whisper to your honey that you’d like to make a movie of your own, and it will be on like Donkey Kong.

You may be wondering to yourself, “What is the Trapper getting for his holiday honey?” Well, right now, my game is at such an unbelievably high level that I would feel bereft (you know you like that word. You think the Trapper is just the pinnacle of physical perfection, but I got mad smarts too) if I didn’t give my present to all the ladies.

This Valentine’s Day, I’m installing a bell outside my bedroom with a sign reading “Ring this Bell if you have been completely satisfied.” That way, when each lucky lady finishes her ride on the Loch Ness Monster, she finally has a worthwhile way to thank me for blowing her mind. I figure it’s the least I can do to make sure all the beautiful ladies have a proper way of expressing their gratitude to the Trap-man.

The bell, bling’d out with 24K gold and ultra rare diamonds, is currently on rush order from a Buddhist Monastery in Thailand, and if it doesn’t make it here by Valentine’s Day, I’ve got a little backup present for my fillies that will stay with them for six months or three months with antibiotics. Yeah, that’s right, even my infections are in demand by the ladies.

Whether you’re a seduction Jedi or new up-and-comer, I wish you the best of luck on this Valentine’s Day, and I hope that all your physical and intellectual preparations lead to an awe-inspiring night for the lady of the choosing. Remember, this is the real thing. This is what you have trained for. You are the Y-Chromosome’s best. Make us proud.