Groundless Predictions for May 2008

Crash! Boom! Bang! Boink! Those archaic sounds from the time machines on early science fiction television shows can only mean one thing! That’s right; it’s the return of Groundless Predictions. As always, these are completely groundless predictions for this month, May 2008. Cue the completely original theme music:

Hey Hey! You You! Groundless Predictions! Hey Hey! You You! You know wanna see them! Hey Hey! You You! Groundless Predictions! Hey Hey! You You! Time for you to read them!

--After more than a year of non-stop campaigning and (at last count) 15 instances of reinvention, many noted pundits thought that the Democratic primary between Sen. Barack “The Unstoppable Force” Obama and Sen. Hillary “The Immovable Object” Clinton had reached an absolutely irresolvable deadlock. In the hopes of inflicting no further damage to the party (at the time, polls showed that 117% of Clinton supporters would rather destroy the Constitution and name George Bush "King of America" than say the name “Obama”), Democratic leaders could see of no other way to find a winner than one: Thunderdome.

Armed with razor-covered roller skates, crude implements of destruction, and earth-shaking rhetorical flourishes, Clinton and Obama fought for nearly two weeks until neither was able to stand. At this point of inconceivable exhaustion, Obama yelled “CAN’T WE JUST FLIP A COIN?” to which Clinton responded, “YES. COIN FLIP WOULD BE GREAT!” Given a solution that required neither loss of life nor a Bruckheimer-sized production, Democratic leaders saw their mistake, regretted their choice, and decided to let the fight continue indefinitely. As of this writing, no winner has emerged.

--The chicken burrito bowl at Chipotle will be a bad idea. Better to go with the carnitas tacos. You’ll understand.

--In an update on last month’s groundless prediction, Nancy Grace has yet to land on earth after President Bush, seeking a positive spin on his bleak-looking legacy, pushed her out of an airplane. No word yet as to why it has taken her so long to fall to Earth, but theologians theorize that queen of speculation television is being kept in some sort of George Bailey-esque limbo in order to learn valuable life lessons.

--In a moment that will stun fans and mild observers alike, teen sensation David Archuleta will be crowned the American Idol, sing a gushing and vacuous rendition of “That’s What Friends are For,” and then rip off his disguise to reveal that he is none other than noted baseball fan and allegedly-talented actor/director Kevin Costner. When asked why Costner concocted an amazingly elaborate scheme that cost him 8 million dollars and could potentially ruin his career, Costner stared blankly toward the horizon and said, “Remember that time I made Dances with Wolves? That was a good one.”