Groundless Predictions for September 2008

What's that? Is hurricane veteran Jim Cantore being thrown around a seaside town like a lonely sock in a dryer? Well then, you know what time it is...it's time for this month's Groundless Predictions! Cue the completely original theme music!

I don't wanna close my eyes! I don't wanna fall asleep cause I miss you, baby, and I don't want to groundlessly predict!

As always, these are groundless predictions for this month, September 2008.

Fresh off allegations that her youngest daughter is actually her granddaughter, Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin's family will face additional scrutiny when evidence surfaces that Palin may have more skeletons in her closet. Sources will learn that Palin, while competing in the Miss Alaska pageant, had a brief affair (most sources in the know clock the affair in at no more than seven and a half minutes) with pageant judge and then-minor league baseball prospect Curt Schilling, producing a child. Not wanting to damage either of their careers, the couple decided to leave the baby on the doorstep of a military couple who had recently moved into the nearby Alaskan city of Eagle River, hoping that the young couple would raise the boy as their own...

Allright, I have a confession to make. This is not a groundless prediction. This is a fact: I, Bobby McMahon, am the love child of Curt Schilling and Sarah Palin. There. The truth is out there. No more running.

In other, more sensical news, scientists will discover that a four hundred square mile chunk of ice that broke off of the upper Canadian Peninsula, once thought to have caused by unseasonably warm temperatures in the Arctic Ocean, was actually caused by Joe Biden's unnervingly white smile. While environmental activists will be up in arms about the Delaware Senator's powers of dental destruction, popularity polls for the Democratic Vice Presidential candidate will sky-rocket when Barrack Obama promises to use Biden's pearly whites to melt Islamic militants, much like Indiana Jones used the Ark of the Covenant to melt Nazis in the film The Raiders of the Lost Ark. Let's remember what that looks like:



Now some quick pieces of advice. Yes, no, don't do it, pick that up, probably not a good idea, put that down, duck, duck again, now would be a good time to run, easy now, better team lift that, green, vegetable burrito, Muppets in Space, another beer, a glass of water, Brownie Sundae, Morocco, Tony Danza, and wiper fluid.

A quick update on an earlier story. Noted blogger and unsuccessful humorist Bobby McMahon will confirm that he is the love child of Alaska Governor and Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin and Baseball legend and fellow noted blogger Curt Schilling by writing a blog post confessing to this fact. No word yet on who will ghost write his tell-all story, but sources close to the situation will say that John Grisham, master of the Southern Legal thriller, will pen the young man's remarkable life studying and living among chimpanzees in the mountains of Tanzania.