Twenty Five Facts that You Did Not Know About Me

With my impending birth celebration, I thought it fitting that I begin to open up more about my life's journey to you, the random Russian dudes who come to my site in the hopes that you'll find pictures of Jessica Alba (comrades, my apologies). And so, here are twenty five things you may not have known about me.

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1. I have never been to Spain. Only underneath it.

2. My father believed in werewolves and made his living as “Timmy Tall-Legs, The Giraffe Man.” Today, you know him as former NBA Superstar Dikembe Mutumbo.

3. I spent my early days growing up in the tobacco fields of Connecticut. When a freak brush fire destroyed the fields that surrounded our house, I became so addicted to smoking that doctors were forced to replace my lungs with a complex series of hamster tubes and suction cups.

4. When I was 7, I lost the middle toe on my left foot. Six days ago, I found it.

5. In the future, I will lead the remnants of humanity to victory against the machines and their self-aware computer program SkyNet.

6. As much as I enjoy the company of other people, I do miss the days spent living in the eye of the Statue of Liberty, reading books by R.L Stein and producing one act plays with clumps of dust as the actors.

7. As a young boy, I was terrible at remembering names, so my mother helped me by travelling back in time and writing the early rock and roll novelty hit “The Name Game.” While she was there, she wisely changed my name to “Robert;” it had formerly been “Mitch.”

8. Once, I had a dream where I ate a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

9. In search of a late night snack during high school, I combined the contents of my refrigerator and created what people today know as the “chalupa.”

10. I invented ska music because I thought the words "rock and roll" were too long.

11. Thanks to a lucky combination of fog, cornstarch, and panache, I managed to convince the European nation of Luxembourg that I could walk on water.

12. I was the lead guitarist for Guns and Roses for 6 minutes in 1994.

13. During summer vacation from pre-school in 1989, I built an obstacle course in my back yard and ran it for 72 days straight. On the 73rd day, I said “This would make a great television show,” and thus, American Gladiators was born.

14. I'd rather have a few good friends than have everyone I know trapped in a well.

15. A three-week vacation to visit my grandparents in Florida served as the inspiration for the hit television show “Family Matters.”

16. I have a tattoo on my stomach of a young Elvis Presley. My hope is that, when I gain weight and become wrinkly, thin Elvis will slowly become fat Elvis.

17. I know exactly how we can sleep while our beds are burning, but I was told that I should keep that a secret.

18. After seeing the enjoyable Kevin Kline movie “Dave,” I managed to convince former President Jimmy Carter to switch places with me for four days. Only Rosalynn and former Celtics great Kevin McHale could tell the difference.

19. In college, my roommate and I tried to settle a low-key disagreement on household chores. During our discussion, we inadvertently burnt down a middle school gymnasium.

20. In my dreams, I imagine myself as Mr. Potato Head.

21. While living in a burnt out stretch limousine near Denver in 2007, I immersed myself into the club scene and started the “Austra-Awesome” movement, which combined the material and chemical excesses of the late 1970’s with elements from the popular 80’s film “Crocodile Dundee.”

22. Someday, I hope to move to Nantucket, build a giant sailboat, and become the first person to water ski solo across the Atlantic Ocean dressed as Skeletor.

23. I have travelled the world and visited every continent except for North America.

24. I am tall, though not as tall as my father, former NBA Superstar Dikembe Mutumbo.

25. Few people know that I built my own car almost entirely out of frozen spiders and puppy teeth. Yes, and some steel too.