Expert Predictions on the Future of Journalism

If you follow me on Twitter, then you know that I've staked my claim Tom-Cruise-in-Far-and-Away-like to a big old chunk of the "new media guru" wilderness. For the low, low price of a suitcase filled with money, I've begun to offer smart-sounding "Expert Predictions" into the future of journalism and intelligent "newstimates" at what media outlets must do to prepare.

For those who've unfollowed me after my "Mr. Mister is the best band in history" tweet-bacle, enjoy an archived collection of my Expert Predictions completely out of order:

Expert Prediction #3: From Podcasts will come "Flatu-Casts," combining hard-hitting news and commentary with sophomoric sound effects.

Expert Prediction 43: To create more revenue, local newspapers will cross-train deliverymen to sell Cutco knives door to door.

Expert Prediction #1: The next newspaper to fail will be the Arizona Republic. It will do so four weeks from this moment exactly.

Expert Prediction #29: Due to extensive budget cutbacks, "U.S. News and World Report" and "The Atlantic" will change their names to "Events that Happen within Earshot Weekly"and "News from the Drainpipe Behind Our Dumpster."

Expert Prediction 67-a: The Huffington Post and the Daily Beast will soon merge to form "Arianna Huffington Swallows a Whale."

Expert Prediction 20-b: This whole "internets" thing is just a fad. Everyone will go back to telegraph-driven news soon.

Expert Prediction 128-a: "Fire David Letterman" campaign will be dubbed the "Pepsi Clear" of politically-motivated social movements.

Expert Prediction 9: The newspapers to survive will attract corporate sponsors, e.g., The Mike's Hard Lemonade Miami Herald.

Expert Prediction #11-b: In the future, All newspapers will be named after David Bowie songs. The most popular? "Changes."

Expert Prediction #2: Papers will begin converting elephant dung and expired milk into ink in an effort to decrease printing costs.

Expert Prediction #1012: Google will buy one newspaper next year--The Fancy News and Hippo of Spokane, Washington.

Expert Prediction #91. After running out of mildly interesting people to publicly confront, Bill O'Relly will begin harassing children.

Expert Prediction #27: WaPo's Dana Millbank will be consumed by his own smugness by 2012, creating a 90-ft high Smugasaurus Rex that will consume parts of Tawain and all of Wales.

Expert Prediction #71: As papers die, WaPo's Howard Kurtz will be forced to report on himself, thereby tearing a hole in the space-time continuum.

Expert Prediction #6: Wreckx-n-Effect wants to do more than zooma zoom zoom zoom in your boom boom--they also want to remake journalism.

Expert Prediction #59: To save space, news outlets will discontinue the use of articles (e.g., a, an, and the) in their stories.

Expert Prediction #4: Howard Kurtz will soon address the increased use of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" in 2010 campaign coverage.